Once again LJ you have been abandoned. I am going to revamp your page today. You are my shoulder to cry on. The shoulder that the whole world can see. So what if I am thought of as emo? Or depressed or whatever. I don't care.

Today I have looked through hundreds of webpages and viewed thousands of images. I feel trapped. I might go to the Art Gallery today. New exhibition opened yesterday. Brother's birthday. Must ring him and see how he is. Old bugger. I miss him. Will hopefully see in September, if not then it will be Christmas when they are both "home" although I am tempted not to go back any more after summer. Occasional weekends, perhaps. Who knows?

Anyway, yes, hello LJ, I know you are here. Hello world, I know you are still here too. Thankyou for giving me somewhere to stand.

I am so sorry that I don't update this as much as I possibly should or could. I just never bother. I apologise to you LJ for only posting miserable rants. Perhaps in the future I shall update you more usefully. If I ever do anything with my life... Although if anyone reads this and wants to actually follow me - may I suggest my Twitter? DesFous. As usual.

That seems unlikely though. I spend my days sitting around, sleeping on and off and browsing BBC iPlayer, 4OD and the stuff on my external hard drive. My nights are spent in the living room of 103 with friends or in various pubs across Aberdeen. YAY ABERDEEN.

I don't fancy going back to Durham at Easter but I have to. My personal secretary (AKA Mum) has already booked my dental appointment, a haircut and an opticians appointment. So minimum time with maximum seeing-of-people. I reckon a week and a half will be more than enough. Which will cost me upwards of £30. What a waste of time.

We are so totally unorganized in terms of somewhere to live next year and I seem to be the only one who actually CARES about that... I'm worried we won't have anywhere to live and I'll end up living in some really expensive place really far away from the city centre and the uni... Which would majorly suck. SUCK SUCK SUCK. T___T

Anyway, I'm getting back to Dr. Who. Need my Tennant fix for the week. Have a good time y'all. <3

I can't go home. I can't. It'll never be the same again. For the first time in about five years my grandmother will not be staying with us. I'll have Kit for a day or two but I'm used to Kit not being there when I need him but for the first time in my lifetime, Jon won't be there either and that I just can't cope with. I won't even have a lover there to hold me, kiss me and keep me company, telling me everything will be alright... I'll be so completely alone...

Don't make me go back there. Not this year...

You know what? I hate you. Moving away will be excellent for me, please, just stay out of my life. All you ever do is hurt me, now leave me alone, alright? Derwent Hill is going to be totally excellent. I won't have signal and can thusly not be contacted. What a bloody shame. I tried. You can't say I didn't. I was always willing to wait, always willing to stand by you. But now you can just buzz right off. I can't stand the sight of you any more. I can't even stand the thought of you nevermind the thought of what we had and what could've become of "us".

I can't believe I was so blind. I can't believe I was so stupid. I trusted you. I believed in you. I could link anything to you. Not any more. All I will link with you is pain and lies. I was willing to give everything up for you. You led me to believe the feeling was mutual. HAH. No. Not any more.

Goodbye.

Over the holidays I feel I have achieved something and wish to share it with the world.

a) I have gained 5lbs and therefore, another bust size. Boo and yay, respectively.
ii) I have done NO work. Well, about 7 biology questions across 3 papers. :D
3) I have showered a total of 4 times and worn a single pair of jeans every day for 3 weeks.
||||) I have been to many pubs (and a boat) and enjoyed MANY drinks containing various types of alcohol.
.....) I have a new piercing. :D Ask where it is, go on, I DARE YOU.
Six) *mumble mumble twatface mumble* :D

Well, that was my last proper holiday from DHS. After this its Study Leave. D:

I can't sleep. And without sleep, there's no chance of dreams. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I don't drink. I don't think. I don't dream. I don't fuck. I can't breathe. I'm choking on my own self doubt and guilt. How am I expected to deal with all this? Since when were matters of the heart any concern of mine? I like to be hated. I love to be loathed. I can deal with that. I can cope. I can hate you right back. So why do people have to come and fuck with that? Fuck me in a more conventional way, if you please. I don't want my emotions messed up like this - I'd rather my body was completely tainted.

It's not self harm. It's self improvement. I was given this body and yet it's going to waste. I shall push myself. To the maximum of my capabilities. I'll eat as much or as little as I see fit. And I will run. I will run like I never have before. I love the feeling. The adrenaline. The pain. It releases my aggression, gets the tension out. I will build stamina and become a slightly fitter person. I have to. I can't waste myself any more...

It's happening all over again, isn't it? That vicious circle where I hurt every single damned person that I truly give a fuck about. What am I meant to do? We're equally screwed up. Neither of us can find the words. Neither wants to lose anything and there's so much to lose. We could lose each other, we could lose everything dear to us... I can't stop thinking about it. About him. And when I drift off I picture horrors unknown and want to cling to him more than ever. This is not constructive. It's bound never to work. But I want it to. I want to know how it would turn out. I want... I want to be with him. I've wanted to be with him ever since that one drunken night... It was the alcohol then but now you're sober? How can I tell that it's not just going to happen again? You'll turn around and say "Help me, I'm so madly in love with this girl," and I'll advise you as best as I can, and naturally, you'll get her and I'll feel as abandoned as ever.

... What the fuck ...

Oh what am I going to do?

Nothing. You said you'd wait - well, lets test that theory. It'll all draw to a conclusion in the end. Hopefully I won't lose you somewhere in the chaos that is sure to follow this. I haven't so far but... Every day is another day closer to the final day. Every goodbye is closer to the last one. Please wake up. Continue to do so. Day after day. For me. For yourself.

Thank you for hanging on so long. I don't know what I'd do without you to be honest. You're refreshing, different but not distant...

Fuck.

I have discovered something about myself this weekend. Something I am not proud of. Something I need help with.

I have found out that when I am lonely, miserable, horny, heartsick, etc, I will cling to anything that has a pulse and will tell me those three words while I am in their arms. Goddamn. It's terrible. People I don't even like and yet I cling to them for dear life. For fear of being alone. I never like to be alone. I will say "I love you" if it just means being held. I will sell myself short. I will lie to myself and to others just to feel wanted. That is a miserable way to live. I have to stop. I am sorry but I can't lie any more. Can I?

I am 17 and I fear being alone for the rest of my life. There is something not quite right about that.

Anyway, canal boats are fun. Alcohol doubly so. Tomorrow I won't be able to move my arms. :D Ten locks in a row baybee!! Hehe